I've just spent a hilarious few minutes reading this guy's accounts of the many ways one can injure oneself. It bothers me that I have done so many of them myself (especially the exploding incinerator), and a few he didn't think of (the rocket fuel on a petrie dish that my friend ignited in the chem lab). Anyway, he summarises them all:
Fire is not necessarily your friend. Neither are dogs. Things with lit fuses should not be held onto. Beware the savage croquet ball. If it is -30 out, put on a coat before you leave the house. Just because the snow keeps you from seeing other objects the objects do not cease to exist. Clotheslines are the enemy of the bicyclist. If you don't remember how you got on the ground or where the blood came from, don't get up right away. Gym teachers think it's funny to commit assault with a baseball so don't day-dream during PE even if they have you so far in the outfield there are DEW line posts on either side of you. All guns are loaded. So are many bows. Trebuchets are for outside use only. The sharp side of the knife goes away from you. Pure reason does not trump brute force but suprisingly few people know what hot peppers look like when the teacher asks if you have enough to share with everyone. Never take the lid of a pressure cooker 'to see if it's done yet'. Even if you are careful with the picric acid that won't matter if you are careless with other items next to it. Move away from mysterious burglar alarms. Do not append 'you moron' to exposition directed at people who have just broken into your building. 'We need to talk' is overwhelmingly unlikely to precede good news. A rough brick wall may be used to sort socks or as a backdrop for sock-art (The Neglected Art). A silent cat is Up to Something. Lungs are unsuited for many possible atmospheres, including that of London, and anything with a high content of industrial cleaners. Youth will not save you from Newton's Laws. Or Darwin's.
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Alcohol and two-wheeled transport donât mix well; neither do frequent doses of large quantities of illegal recreational drugs and incipient mental diseases. Calling a 160-kilogram, muscle bound moron with a reputation for GBH an arsehole is not good for ones bodily health. Sticking ones fingers into a circular saw is not a good way to trim ones fingernails. Grabbing live electric cables at the top of four metre ladders can be somewhat more than exhilarating⦠Hell the man doesnât even get to first base with all the potentially dumb things that even a supposedly intelligent human can carry out without batting an eyelid.
The saw bit is my favourite. Sticking a fork into a wall socket at 3 years old isn't fun, neither is sticking a screwdriver into a formerly working light switch. Staring at your brand new boots while riding a bike can be quite interesting, parked cars don't tend to move out of the way.
It's a pity many of the kids today just don't get to experience that much fun.
Sticking a fork into a wall socket at 3 years old isn't funâ¦
You too? Back in my early childhood, thatâs somewhere between the last ice age and the neolithicum, there were no super safe, child-proof electric sockets just dark brown bakelite cylinders screwed to the skirting board with two dark inviting mysterious holes; there were no earths on the wiring in our house, which I think was wired by a team from the original Swan-Edison sometime in the late 19th century.
Around the age of three I took a shiny length of galvanised fencing wire, no green plastic coating in those days, whose diameter seemed to perfectly match those inviting holes and squatting down in front of the socket stuck one end into one of the holes, finding purely by chance the neutral pin. I then bent my piece of wire and pushed the other end into the second hole whilst holding the resulting loop in my hot sweaty palm. As well as knocking myself unconscious and blowing the fuse I succeeded in burning a substantial amount of flesh off of my right palm, which then entailed many visits to clinics and our GP, in the following weeks, to have my dressings changed.
I like to think that this incident displays my early interest in scientific experiments and electricity, historian of science and theatre lighting technician (see incident with electric wires and ladder in pervious post!) are amongst my varied professions, however I think it was just a combination of natural childish curiosity and my inherent ability to do dumb things.
Some more:
Never touch a vacuum tube, even if the old TV is off. If you are tempted to, ensure there are no walls behind you for six meters.
Never touch a spark plug on a running motor. Same thing about the walls.
Never stick a wire into a power socket and hold the bare other end. Never try to manually remove such a setup from your brother's hand with your own hands.
You can't fly. Not even with a cape made from a blanket.
Fingers are defeated by scalpels. Finger tips grow back up to four millimeters.
Blood is hard to remove from graphic art.
Don't pour two-stroke fuel into a grass clipping fire that is smouldering.
Especially if the incinerator is made from heavy clinker bricks.
And you are within two meters when it catches.
Don't sit on the roof to watch the lightning.
Before doing any new mode of travel, learn how to stop without falling over.
Ditto: learn how to turn without falling over.
Horses do not have brakes or a handlebar.
Learn what dog postures mean before putting your hand out.
Never pat a cat that hasn't come to you.
Explosives do not make good rocket fuels.
Never carry a box of matches in your hand with all the matches outside the box, when you are in a hurry.
Don't run downhill. On concrete. In shorts.
Before climbing a cliff, ensure that you know the way down.
Don't forget to watch incoming tides when on rocks by the beach.
Always check for schools of large Portugese Man'O'War jellyfish before diving into the sea.
Don't fire a speargun before you are sure what you are firing at. It turns out feet in flippers look a lot like flounder.
The third time your squash partner knocks you out, consider that he may not be the best partner to play.
Even if there are large spiders in your motorcycle helmet, do not leap off a moving motorcycle with your GF on the back.
No, some things cannot be apologised for.
Children should be restrained by cuffs and leg irons at all times. An independently minded child is not a thing to be desired. Incidentally, three year olds do not understand that just because the last ten cars stopped in time, the next one might not.
If the stick moves of its own accord, move back rapidly.
Redback spiders do not make good pets.
There are some virtues to taking the safer option.
Door hinges and fingers do not mix, but surgeons can do remarkable acts of reattachment if the patient is young enough.
"We dont have the key to the antivenines cabinet" should be concerning from a public hospital no matter how many times you have heard it.
Your mother really will never stop staring at your piercings (...even if your supervisor has them too).
Atheism does not cure a catholic guilt complex.
Dinosaurs will always be cool, no matter how bad the Jurrasic Park sequels are.
Your service from centrelink will improve remarkably if you cry every time you enter the building (this gets easier the longer you deal with them).
Safe dumpster divng technique is a life skill. It is also currently more reliable than your superannuation.
Just because the appliance is turned off, doesn't mean it's not live.
Some passing lanes end before the top of the hill.
The presence of large numbers of surfers does not necessarily indicate a good swimming spot.
Don't put your head under temporary scaffolds supporting large and jagged pieces of steel.
Ditto unsupported arches that used to be brick walls. Unless you want an interesting scar down the side of your face.
I wonder is we should score this?
I can add:
Discharge all high-voltage capacitors. Even the discharged ones.
Electrolysis of water is sped up by adding some electrolyte. This can blow fuses, boil water and startle the neighbours.
Even if it looks transparent; there may be some glass there.