Friday frivolity: let's write a three-toed sloth sex joke.

Whereas the commenters on this blog have on numerous occasions proven themselves to be whip-smart and very funny, and whereas this humble blog comes up near the top of Google searches for "three toed sloth sex jokes", I propose that we write some worthy three-toed sloth sex jokes.

Indeed, I'd like to write some jokes that turn on factual information about the three-toed sloth while not relying on sexist (or ableist, etc.) tropes for their "humor". Bonus points if we can generate genuinely funny three-toed sloth sex jokes that would turn up as results of a safe search.

Here's some potentially useful information from Wikipedia to get you started:

Although similar to the somewhat larger and generally faster moving two-toed sloths, the two genera are not particularly closely related.

"Hey buddy, what's the extra toe for?"

"Why don't you slow down and I'll show you?"

Scientists do not know exactly when these mammals mate, but it is estimated to be somewhere around March or February.

"Where'd I put that calendar?"

The three-toed sloth is almost totally arboreal ("tree-dwelling"), with a body "built to hang."

That's what she said.

Its long, coarse, grayish-brown fur often appears greenish, not due to pigment but to algae growing on it. The sloth's greenish color and its sluggish habits provide an effective camouflage: hanging quietly, the sloth resembles a bundle of leaves. Large curved claws help the sloth to keep a strong grip on tree branches.

"How's it hangin'?"

"Like a bundle of leaves. You?"

The three-toed sloth, unlike most other mammals, does not maintain a constant body temperature, being closer to a reptile in this respect. Because its body temperature goes down as the air temperature goes down, the three-toed sloth is only able to live in humid and warm environments.

They may be slow, but that doesn't mean they can't be steamy ...

Adults are solitary, and mark their territories using anal scent glands and dung middens.

I'm guessing that marking one's territory with anal scent glands might increase the odds of one being solitary (and not necessarily by choice).

OK, you budding joke writers, show me what you've got!

More like this

First of all, so-called "wjts" violates the rules by using the word "porn."

There might be, a la Cartes Chomskyan linguistics, an infinite potentiality with respect to three toes on a sloth jokes, referencing sex. Here's one:

The three-toed sloth was in a Chinese factory, while having sex, and suddenly, a Chinese worker, who wanted to surprise him, jumped out from the boxes and yelled...


Mind you, they were in the supplies section of the building.

Cheers and thnx for the moment to outshine,

Why did the three-toed sloth cross the road? To show the two-toed sloth it could be done.

By Jim Thomerson (not verified) on 11 Dec 2009 #permalink

Unau you want it. Ai know you want it.

By Emory Kimbrough (not verified) on 11 Dec 2009 #permalink

Hmm, you could always steal the punchline from the koala joke. "Eats bush and leaves" I am sure that applies to the three toed sloth, too.

What do you call a porn flick starring a three-toed sloth, Maureen McCormick, and Eve Plumb?

Bumper sticker:

Three-toed Sloths Do It
Nice and Slooooow

The following jokes are brought to you by exam procrastination:

Q: Why is it hard to write two-toed sloth sex jokes?
A: Because they get no tail.

Q: What makes a two-toed sloth hot?
A: The ambient temperature. They don't shiver.

Q: No, really, what makes a two-toed sloth hot?
A: Well, they're also warm-blooded.

Q: How many toes does a two-toed sloth have?
A: 10.

I feel that some joke could be made about how they descend head first, but that would probably be inappropriate. Also, @wjts (#5): I have no idea.

Q: Okay, seriously mate, why are two-toed sloths hot?
A: Their dental formula is 4/5.
Q: Can't argue with that.