mattress

Exciting hints that scientists had finally discovered the existence of dark matter - the mysterious substance thought to make up a quarter of the Universe - were dashed last night as researchers realised their equipment had detected a dark mattress instead. The premature announcement was blamed on faulty software. "Apparently, someone left an errant ampersand in our code," said an embarrassed physicist, before weeping slowly into a whisky glass. The Cryogenic Dark Matter Search (CDMS) laboratory, buried half a mile underground in an iron mine, announced last night that they had found traces…