The Trip from Hell

So here I am, stuck at the airport with no internet connection. Don't ask me why. I am showing a signal, but this has been the Trip from Hell, so I'm not surprised. It should have been easy. One hour flight time, nice hotel on the waterfront, all day meeting with interesting people discussing laboratory security policy, hop on the plane, home in another hour. It should have been easy. So far it hasn't been.

I got to the airport early to discover Delta had canceled my flight, the last Delta flight of the evening. Don't wait in line at the service desk, the helpful attendant told me. Use the direct phone line to Delta, it will be quicker. I reached a pleasant Delta agent. She even sounded like she was stateside. She agreed to book me on another airline, AirTran. "Just go over there. I've made the reservation and explained it all in the attached note on the computer. Tell them it's a Rule 20 and here's the confirmation number." Not so bad, I though. Except "over there" was clear across a big airport at another terminal. But the AirTran flight was three hours later so I had time. I even considered going home and coming back to the airport but instead headed over to AirTran first. The airport shuttle bus arrived in a few minutes but took another 15 to get to the AirTran terminal.

Once there, the nice folks at AirTran said they had my reservation. Great. But they didn't have my ticket. It's a Rule 240, I said with authority. The details are in the online record. No go, they said. In order to get a ticket I'd either need to purchase a new one from them or get a FIM -- they're red, as if that was an important piece of information. FIM? Flight Interruption Manifest. FIM. You'll have to go back to Delta to get it. This time the airport shuttle didn't arrive in a few minutes. Or ten minutes. Or twenty minutes. After about a half hour in a crowd of increasingly crazed air travelers missing their connections we all crowded onto Shuttle 11 and headed back to the terminal where Delta was. There they issue me a paper ticket, amidst looks of wonder why I hadn't gotten one in the first place. "Because the person on the phone didn't tell me to get one, " I told them. Oh, you did this on the phone. They don't know how to do it. Here's your ticket.

Instead of waiting for the Shuttle That Doesn't Come I decided to walk back. Couldn't take any longer and indeed it didn't. It took about the same because the signs directing me to the terminal I wanted just disappeared in mid journey and I wound up at the terminal next to it, drenched in sweat from carrying two bags but not getting there any earlier. In due course (5 hours late and having been singled out for the full course pat down, bag search and electronic sniffing of my Dopp kit and computer)) I arrived at my chic sounding boutique hotel on the water front. The room was nice, plus an internet connection. Which refused to connect. Naturally. I finally got it going, after calling someplace in Frankophone Canada on the 800 number. I could receive but not send email. Some kind of firewall problem. After posting some blog entries, time for bed. Watch the news. But every button on the remote control did the same thing. Changed channels. The number buttons, the volume buttons, all the special buttons when pressed changed the channels down. I suppose I could have made do, but the volume was so low it was inaudible and the volume control, yes, it changed channels but didn't affect the volume.

After another wait for a new remote to be sent up I finally watched some TV and went off to sleep. I needed to get up early to get some blogging in and an hour's work for my day job before the meeting started at 9 am. Well I thought it started at 9 am because I had misplaced the agenda. So I put in a call for 6 am and by 8:30 was headed over to the meeting. "How far is it?" I asked at the desk, giving them the address. They kindly used Mapquest to show me it was close, only 4 minutes by cab. But I had two bags to carry. How far on foot? Hmmm. Not sure, maybe ten minutes. Probably not 10 blocks but they weren't quite sure. They called me a cab. I got in, the cab drove off and I gave him the address. Oh, he said. It's over there, pointing over his shoulder at a building across a narrow canal from the hotel, now receding in the distance. "Then where are you going?" I asked. One-way streets, he said. And 4 minutes later we pulled up in front of my destination, about 60 yards and $7 distant from the hotel.

At the meeting site the room was empty, but a nice continental breakfast was being set up outside. Because the 9 am meeting was really a 10 am meeting. When it finally got underway, however, it was well worth it. Stimulating talk, diverse viewpoints, difficult subject. Time to head back to Delta for the return flight. One more hour and I'm home. Canceled again. Bad weather at the destination. Another ticket on AirTran which I just had time to make. Singled out again. Full bag search, electronic sniffing, etc. But I made it to the gate just on time. In fact I made it in plenty of time because this substitute flight was now delayed 90 minutes. So I am sitting at the airport without an internet connection.

OK. They called the flight and we all got on. Then we sat for almost an hour. No explanation. Now, as I write these words, we are finally in the air. In fact, after some "re-routing" we are just 60 miles from our destination, runway 27. In fact runway 27 is the only runway operating so we are getting in line with God knows how many others in a holding pattern.

What next? I'll get there to find my car has been stolen (from its distant spot near the Delta terminal which I have to walk to with my bags)? I can hardly wait to find out.

Postscript: I am now safely home with Mrs. R. , the dog and 310 unread emails. The car was there but it took me 25 minutes of trudging a mammoth parking garage to discover you "couldn't get there from here" phenomenon of the terminals and the levels connected to each.

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Hah, you gotta laugh sometimes, Revere. One of the many reasons I quit corporateland and traveling a longer distance than to the moon each year. If you're bored, try reading Marissa's guide to mediocre airport restaurants, available in domestic and international editions.

How to make Revere happy? Start telling him some airport tricks to get him onto the airplane and moving, blogging while he waits and able to get that email.

First Blogging and email.... Revere use www.mail2web.com. You can pick up your mail anywhere in the world with that if you can get a connection.

Interim stop airports. Most have the airport wi-fi's and if you know you are going to transit you can call the airport authorities IT dept and tell them who you are and they will give you a password as long as there are no internet cafe's. Wouldnt want Osama bin Lawless Revere punching into a secure network. He's a BAD man...Oh Christ lookout its a.Lib!

You show the connection but its in the network settings you have to work (via control panel). Set your little network connection up to show your icons in the lower right and it will tell you when you are connected. You also will show other computers in the terminal area that you are connected to. DO NOT LEAVE HIGHLY PERSONAL DATA ON THE COMPUTER unless its firewalled by file or access point. Some of the airports also have internet cafe's. For 2 bucks you blog and drink .

Next, why wait at the airport? Every airport has an FBO where general aviation lives. It too has a wifi unblocked anyway, showers(?), nice lounges, no shitty CNN (Clinton News Network) and yes you can watch the History channel and the Military channel. The restrooms are 30 feet away You can call them and for a slight tip to the driver sit and relax in stratoloungers in their lobbies, sleep in the snooze rooms.

Yes Revere you can leave a wake up call. A SHOWER? Oh shit, Revere will be passing out in seconds on this news. Just tell them what time you need to go back when you get there. Use my airplane call sign 2324LC if they question you. Hello, this is revere. I am at the lower level of (airline) 2324 Lima Charlie can you come pick me up? Might have to wait a few minutes or you can call ahead as you land to pick you up say 20 mins? They whisk you over, you are relaxed and not feeling a putz. You tell the driver that you need to go back at..... and then you lounge it. Simple as that.

Dont mention you arent waiting on a plane or anything like it. Tipping is a very good idea if you transit the airport regularly. Look up Ac - u - Kwik online. Has all the phone numbers to the FBO's. You have to be rescreened though entering the portals heading back to the gates so alot time but a Revere that doesnt smell of 2 miles worth of sweat and clean socks from a shower is a good thing. Hell the boy may go Republican once he sees how the other 2/3rd lives. Use the airline pages to keep up with your flight status. They have that number right in the corner somewhere if you have to call. Take your battery chargers too for laptop and phone. They even have tables for you to work from! High tech shit man!

Curtailments in flights have led to real problems in baggage and actually getting the butts in the seats. When its hot as you said Revere, travel light. The medium range people haulers are not designed when full to haul full fuel, people and bags. Carry on is going to become the thing of the future and you are seeing it now. You might get bumped also for the mail. The mail under the Air Mail Act of 1938 moves FIRST. Yep, folks if bird bug comes and its a choice as to whether mail gets on, vaccine/medicines gets on, you get on then guess where you'll be sitting if it happens and they need the whole plane? At the terminal. Remember that. A lot of bumps happen because of IPM (international priority mail). They make tons off of the mail and failing to move it is grounds for a certificate revocation so you sit on your ass fuming. Remember this when they raise the postage rates.

Reservations and Cancellations. ALWAYS depart as early as possible for your destination and only book airlines that have more than one flight going to the place. If you are cancelled, bumped or just screwed they can except during blackout generally get you onto the next flight. Late but there. Blackout begins 5 days ahead of Thanksgiving and lasts until Jan 5 of each year. If you have to transcon, DO IT ON DIRECT FLIGHTS. Those flights are one in morning and one at night, sometimes they have one at noon too. But they cant screw you unless the weather is bad at departure or arrival stations.

Hubs-If you have to hub, carry that cell phone. Make a reservation for a hotel if you are not liking what you see in the interim city-DONT WAIT. Yeah after a lot of hassle you can get an airline provided room. Didja know all you have to do is get the form as you leave the terminal to your 3-5 star hotel and pay the difference. They can also email/fax it to you post event. Did I ever tell you about my Aruba trip?Trip was cancelled and I got a three day extra stay at their cost for 80%. Stayed drunk the WHOLE time on Curacao rum. My cost for 3 days was 60 bucks.

Baggage-What do these people carry nowadays?. As I contract baggage handling with the company every year at T'day and Xmas mind these pointers. NEVER send anything that you really want or like such as a laptop unless its in one of those silver steelcases via the baggage system. The mass haulers under the airport terminal are more likely to eat it if you do. Grind it up in fact especially when the tweaking on the preventative maintenance has been for 9 months of light freight/bags to heavy as hell during the blackout period. The belts stretch, rollers give out and then as it does on the carousels it bunches up. Saw a guy lose an arm once from that when the bunched up belt snaped and flipped one of those roller bags into the air shearing the handle. Came down and cut him like a laser on the forearm. So send that valued item via counter to counter or Fedex.

Be considerate too. Dont put Aunt Martha, the cat and their favorite sofa into the bag, keep it simple and light. Three bags are actually better than two big ones. There are I can assure you those that deliberately take those heavy ones and swack them or drop them from out of the hold to the wet, snowy, rainy ground. From as high as 15 feet up.

A handler up in the belly of the aircraft already has bad knees (yep, I got 'em) about 3.5 feet vertical clearance and some gomer from Poughkeepsie has just loaded his bags so full and heavy that it will take a crane to lift it. You know how they move the heavy ones?They kick them out of the plane. They brace up against the bulkhead and put both feet against it and kick. So its rammed all the way out of the plane. Thats about 20 feet from the back to the door. What kind of shape do you think your stuff is going to be in? It would be like sending your bag to a day care as a play toy.

Think about it . Can you in a kneeling position lift a 35 pound bag with one hand vertically and then do anything but lob it to the door? Nope. Even the best handlers who are big suffer from back, neck, knee and hip injuries from this stuff. Those floors also have little shards of sheet metal sticking op. I took one once thru a knee guard made of kevlar. 15 stitches.

Reservations-Always make 2 if you know its going to be loaded on one or more flights. Standby on the second one. No costs for standby and you can cancel it with that cellphone you are carrying. Make those reservations especially if you are transiting two hubs in winter. Law of averages dictates that you will encounter some problems.

Safety-Birds dont fly in weather. Do you really want to? If the weather is going to be bad or supercold or snowy expect delays. The prescribed level of safety is always met at the gates because that big piece of aluminum isnt moving. If the runways are icy going or coming it takes approximately 1/3rd more stopping distance. The two most critical phases of flight are when that nose lifts and then 30 seconds after and then 30 seconds before and the nose is high and the touchdown. So if you see them deicing and deicing you have dropped according to my Embry Riddle Aeronautical University Degree that prescribed level down by as much as 20%. Engines explode and thats 1nth of the total stopping power. A two engined plane is down by 1/2 in otherwords. Again, combinations, combinations, combinations of factors put them into the dirt. When the weather is crappy, the airplane is full, and you can feel or see the lightning hitting all around...think about it. Shit happens.

Crowded skies are a thing of the past and the number of airplanes is down by 20%. Chances of a mid-air are nearly non existent now. But if you look out the window and say that you wouldnt drive a car in that shit, dont get onto a plane. Sure you are safer on a plane than you are a car statistically, but the statistics are based on a single airplane ride. Wouldnt want to give you the air miles statistics, scare the shit out of you if I did.

Common Sense-You can carry water pouches and food onto a plane. Its not a bad idea to order up one of those Kapton smoke hoods too. Smoke in a plane is the single largest killer in an accident. In a small fire accident where you survive and there is no hood you have as I am told about 3 minutes. Figure 15 seconds to get your ass out and over the unconscious, 15 seconds to kick the ass of the guy getting his bags, 15 seconds to find an exit. Thats almost a minute and you are degrading as you go. The Kapton hoods extend that time out to as long as 15 minutes before the smoke covers the hood and you cant see. Carry a flashlight, 3 cell metal one. Plastic will melt in your hand. You'll get hassled a little every now and then, that flashlight will come in handy every time.

Then there is the sit and wait. Extend your visits. Program for a stay in each hub city when you go. Visit the sights, then come back and hit the mill again all new and fresh each morning or afternoon. After all it is the airlines now isnt it? They hire such intelligent people nowadays and I am sure that Revere has an appreciation of the words "airline genocide" and "retroactive abortions". If this is intelligent design, then its back to the drawing boards.

Bests to all.

By M. Randolph Kruger (not verified) on 12 Jul 2006 #permalink

Whoa Randolph, quite the write-up.

Alas, Revere, I'm going to take a guess that the broken outgoing mail is a function of the service provider. Major service providers at say, an open wifi airport or hotel, mandate that users use a specific smtp (outgoing) server so that they can control potential spam users. I don't know if you changed yours to match their requirements, but I'd look into that next time.

Randy: LOL. Someone suggested you get your own blog and I'm beginning to think that's a good idea, not because I don't want you here, but because you are a wealth information you clearly want to share. If you do, you are still welcome here of course. As for saying I'm you, I have a bad enough case of the Imposter Syndrome without becoming a real imposter but I thank you for the offer. I used to fly quite a lot, now I try to avoid it unless absolutely necessary but when it's necessary I gotta do it.

Darin: I suspect you are right, although this is the first time I experienced this problem although I have used this service provider (which is common in hotels) quite a bit. But that's the kind of trip it was.

Hmmmnnn....departure AP sounds suspiciously like Logan. But since you didn't mention falling concrete and detours, perhaps not.

Randy--

LOL and holy shit! Wish I could afford the QEII.
Delayed baggage insurance. Having it paid for half my trip from Slovenia to Denver last year. Who do I talk to about losing my luggage this August?

Revere - It is criticizing King George II that gets you searched at every airport. Keep it up and it will be a strip search.

By Man of Misery (not verified) on 12 Jul 2006 #permalink

I've got a subject matter expert coming in from Boston next week for a conference and he's planning to take the train to DC. If the entire day is going to be eaten by travel, might as well make it peaceful.

Melanie: Definitely the way to make that trip. Take it from me.

I make that trip frequently. I rarely have a problem. USAIR shuttle, BOS-DCA. Every hour.

You must look like an edgy subversive type.

Or a >gasp< scientist...

Lori: If it had been DCA it wouldn't have been so bad. But it wasn't.

I suspect this happens to all liberal bloggers. It has happened to me at every airport checkpoint I've had to go through since 911. I suspect that there is a list and that we are on it.