When coping mechanisms fail (the dark side of junior faculty life)

Hang in there. It seems overwhelming, i know, but each problem on it's own is surmountable, but when they all pile up it's difficult to think how you'll get through it all.

One thing that it sounds like you are working on that worked wonders for me in the past is to have that valid backup plan at least in the thinking process. There is power and confidence to be gained in making plan, even if you don't execute it. Knowing you have options makes it easier to get through the rough spots.

Vibes to you. You'll get through this, even if you can't imagine how.

Second the support. In addition to making a plan (it does make you feel better) make sure you are eating properly and getting your vitamins or you'll be stressing about weight gain as well:(

One day you'll snap back and really wonder what the fuss was about. I think you're at the turn now.

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time! I know you'll find a way through it eventually. Good luck!

I think everyone goes through periods similar to what you describe. Been there, done that. It helps to sort out the external bads into facts of life which you cannot change and things you might do something about. Then just live with the facts of life and focus on doing your own thing in relation to the other irritants. I think no one else loves me as much as I love myself, so myself is the most trustworty help I have.

When I have gone through a period of self-doubt about my research, it helped to get out and reread old publications. Under the circumstance of self-doubt, the successful publicatios look brilliant. Did it once, I can do it again, you know!

Wow, it sounds like you're having a real time of it; I'm sorry to hear that, and I hope you manage to get through it intact. :-) You've probably heard this before, but what you're describing sounds a lot like Imposter Syndrome. You might want to take a look (there's a good link to a post by one of your SciBlings, revere, on the subject linked to at the Wikipedia page).

Your inner dialog sounds uncannily like the way I think some times.

As no-one else so far has said it, I recommend (from personal experience) talking to a professional, before the situation can get any worse.

You may not like the idea of therapy or medication (who does?), but talking to a professional about your feelings will at least allow the two of you to assess whether or not you may need them. When your personal coping mechanisms break down why not look to outside expertise to get some new ones? Its the rational thing to do. I'd be surprised if none of your peers hadn't enjoyed the benefits of such help at some point themselves.

Your institution probably has some form of Faculty or Staff assistance program that can confidentially refer you to someone. Or you might ask trusted friends for recommendations, if you prefer not to involve your institution in any way at all. Either way you have options.

Good Luck!

You might be able to find a counsellor who specializes in work-related stress. I found such a counsellor very useful, the sessions helped me to think of new options and to have my ideas about what was going on looked at by someone with a lot of experience with stressed academics at the end of their tether.

Sorry to hear you are having a really hard time; hope things get better soon!

Thanks so much for your comments, everyone! They really mean a lot to me right now. I didn't mention it in my post, but therapy is one option I am exploring, and one I probably should have explored a long time ago. Figuring out my (realistic) options and coming up with concrete plans/strategies is also on the agenda. And recognizing that part of this is probably impostor syndrome is a bit helpful (and thanks to those of you who shared that you also feel like impostors sometimes too!). Sleep, exercise, vitamins---check, check, check.

Didn't you just submit a paper not too long ago? And weren't you reworking some courses after your sabbatical? And isn't your daughter growing up quite nicely? And don't you do wonderful things like have coffee hour to mentor female students in your department?

You rock!

I agree with everyone else that you gotta find a way to deal, but in the meantime, remember how great you are! It's evident to me from your blog.

Jane, I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time at the moment. I second -- third, fourth, fifth, something like that -- the suggestion about counseling. It can be very helpful and beneficial, in my personal experience.

Something else to keep in mind is that your male peers don't have it together any better than you do. They're just better at BS-ing the appearance of having it together.

I really dread evaluations (and I have tenure!) because I try so darn hard and then get such crappy comments. For example, I teach in English (in Europe) and they complain that the lecture was - surprise! - in English. They complain that there was only one copy of the book in the library. Well, in the other library (across the campus) there were 6. They complain that they had to work in groups. They are supposed to work in groups. They complain that I am moody - yes, I tend to get angry at people who think I am on screen so they can talk with their neighbors during class.

Sigh.

And then you see the look of understanding on the face of one undergraduate, and you know you are not teaching for the evaluations. You are teaching to pass on knowledge. Hang in there!

I think one of the most pernicious illusions in research is that being smart makes things happen faster, or conversely, that things going slow must mean you're dumb. I know the feeling, but you must remember that is not true.
But it sounds like you have been making progress, yay Jane!

I know professional therapists can be great to talk to, so that sounds good. But it seems to me it might also be helpful to reach out to some of the people in your department. Figure out who has a bit of time, and reasonably enjoyable to talk to, and figure out what you can learn from them. Being loved isn't all about productivity- it's also connections. Fortunately, connections are not all business cards and name recognition, but just about having a good professional social support network. Getting that involves a lot of talking to people (useful in and of itself, not just when you are "dealing with your problems" with a professional).
Don't let yourself do it alone, make them help you.

Ironically, one of the things that helps me cope is reading your blog! You have a wonderful talent for verbalizing ideas. Often, you write something like your remark about the "secret key", and I recognize it as a feeling I had but didn't have words for yet. Seeing it written down like that helps me think about it. Thank you.

You have a young child, which is a wonderful blessing but also takes a huge and unrelenting amount of physical, mental, and emotional energy. That's a full time job right there. Add on top of that a challenging full-time paid job, plus the competitive nature of academics and going for tenure. It's no wonder that you are feeling stressed.

It is obvious from your writing that you are an intelligent, caring, dedicated, competent person. That's still true, even if you don't feel that way. All the best to you as you work your way through this.

Isn't blogging a great way to get all the frustration and ick out of the swirling world of parenting and professing? If you have not already done so, as some have suggested, it might be worth it to work with a senior mentor (maybe outside of your institution) for a while to help you get some clear strategies for getting it all done and not feeling so strung out (it can be done, but it ain't easy). I work in this capacity for, right now, 3 female colleagues around the ocuntry who are a few years behind me in the Mommy/Tenure/Spouse/Personal Sanity whirlwind, and it is relaly useful to them and to me- see if you can find someone like that to support you- this is probabably the hardest time you'll go through as a Mom and academic, so hang in there, ask for help, and remember how great it will feel when you get through this stage. It is worth it, and I appreciate you sharing your life in your blog!!

Hang in there, Jane! Personalities that are drawn to an academic profession tend to be quite sensitive - it's part of what makes us good teachers (whether the short-term evaluations demonstrate that, or not!). It's tough but it beats repetitive tasks inside a cubicle everyday - it just sounds like you are experiencing the downside that go with the upsides of a particular profession.

Most of the time it seems that it appears to be darkest right before the dawn - a cliche but often true.

Hang in there!

Ugh. I send alpha waves to you. I think about you often and I hope you win the war.

Might this partly be end of year syndrome? I know I'm in a similar grey miserable place now and it's partly the slight relaxation of pressure of having got the grades sorted and... having the summer to focus on research... so if I was a great researcher wouldn't I be all excited about that... but I'm not... and evals, yuck! I suspect many of us have been there. Thanks for talking about it here, it helps me to know I'm not alone.

As for strategies - be kind to yourself, have a minimum of doable work that, once you've finished, you'll let yourself go home (usually you get into it and carry on, if not at least you achieved something concrete); hang in there, it will get better!

Jane,

I can't offer too much help as I'm not TT myself, but I hope you know that everyone goes through this kind of self-doubt. And though your research may take a long time and end in failure... it's not just you! Everyone's experiments fail and everyone goes through this. It's just that all we ever publish are the (semi-)sucessful experiments, so we don't get to see how much our colleagues experiments are failing too.

And I'm glad that you're asking for help. That's an important step.

Hang in there, Jane. I'll be sending you virtual hugs and support!

Jane,

I think you should ask yourself, very honestly, why you're so hard on yourself when you're always so supportive of others (especially me!).

Hmm? Maybe you need to practice applying some of your warm generosity towards yourself?

A friend gave me some meditation tapes by a guy named Alman. One of his techniques tells you to picture a committee meeting of your past selves at different ages. A 5-year old you, a 10-year old you, a 15-year old you, etc. And what they all want. Maybe the 5-year old wants to be loved, the 10-year old wants to follow the rules, the 15-year old wants to rebel, etc. Imagine that they're talking about how best to help you NOW.

The point is to figure out if some parts of you are feeling frustrated and ignored. You might find that, rather than feeling as you are now, like everything is a mess, really it's only one or two things that are really making you upset. They're just upset in a really noisy way that's drowning everything else out.

It's a very interesting exercise.

As a fellow blogger and not a therapist, I think you're just feeling a particular kind of work stress, much like I have:

Feeling isolated at work.

I'm not sure what you need in terms of mentoring, but I've finally decided that I may never find any one person to truly mentor me. In fact, I think in some ways this whole mentoring thing might be kind of a myth, and that the majority of us (especially women coming up now) might not be able to find suitable Mentors in the traditional apprenticeship version of the word.

But that's not bad news, because the solution is much simpler and more empowering.

Your assignment, from me to you, is to figure out what specific things you need help on, and identify people who are good at those things. BREAK IT DOWN into fixable pieces- that's what we scientists are good at!

Don't let anything limit who those people are. Read books, even if they're written for anything from business and marketing to psychology and self-hypnosis.

Contact strangers if you have to.

You can get past a lot of roadblocks this way.

And email me if you want to vent offline (yfsblog at gmail). It's always nice to have more friends who can say,

"Me too! Yeah, that sucks!"

Hang in there, I know you can do it, and I hope it makes you feel less alone to know we all feel like this sometimes, and always remember, this too shall pass. The most important thing is that you'll still be here. You are not your job. You are not your ambition.

You are Jane, who writes a fantastic blog, writes fantastic comments on other blogs (especially mine!), and helps other people in numerous ways.

Jane, it's okay to help yourself. Give yourself permission.

Having recently gone through the tenure process, I can relate. Two things that helped me get through rough periods were: (a) making a list of things to do that day, then trying to pair it down to a realistic list, then trying to accomplish that list and focusing solely on that; and, (b) in idle moments, thinking really constructively about options if I didn't get tenure - would I want a job, like at Google? In what ways would it be nicer? In what ways would it be worse? Could I do it? Should I try a teaching school? Ditto the questions on that? Moving through these possibilities made me realize that, as focused as I was on other things, there were still a lot of great career options out there, and helped me attack my list with renewed vigor.

Jane,

I went through something similar after my daughter was born and am convinced that hormones play some part. Therapy is a good option. Having a child totally turns your life around and can make things that used to be tolerable, down-right insurmountable. Do you have a network on campus? We have a women faculty network in science and engineering that is very helpful. Best of luck.

Oh, Jane. I'm so sorry! Big hugs to you. I heartily endorse other peoples' encouragement to try therapy. It can be such a relief to get all that crap swirling around inside your head OUT, by talking to someone. Just verbalizing it makes it less bad, makes it seem more manageable. Knowing there is someone there who is in your corner and can help you sort things out. If you don't know anyone else to call for a good referral, try your campus's women's center and ask them. If no women's center - does your campus have psychological services for students? Is there someone there who specializes in programs for women? Call them and ask them for a referral.

You are going through a rough patch, and when it feels this way, it feels like it will never ever get better, but I promise you, it will indeed get better. It will. It will take time, but it will get better.

Wow. Just wow. I am so overwhelmed by everyone's comments. Thanks so much!!

I was going to address all of your comments in my comment, but I think this warrants a brand new post of its own, which I am working on now.

Hi, Jane.

Thanks for posting at my place. It's funny... when I read this post of yours last week, I had forgotten it when I was freaking out and blogging this week. Thanks for reminding me, because your comments here also helped me, as did re-reading your post.

I mean, at some level it's helpful to situate these moments as just those -- moments. We go through phases where it all seems insurmountable, yet we make it through and not only survive, but thrive!

Also, I don't know if I should post this or not, but I have to say that when I am down on myself professionally, I get down on myself personally. I tell myself that maybe I would be happier professionally if I had a different personal life situation. So then I get down on myself for my own life choices. What a cycle! For example, I tell myself that maybe if I was married with children rather than unmarried in a long distance relationship and childless, I would be happier. That's just nutty, because I made these choices for a reason and they're right for me. I'm saying all of this because it helps to hear that these super strong imposter syndrome feelings are more universal, independent of personal life circumstances (which logically I know is the case, but emotionally doesn't always feel like that).

So, thanks for reminding me about this post. :)

Your inner monologue sounds like mine. It is good to know that I am not the only stressed person with doubts. I agree with several of the other commentators that therapy can be useful. And lots and lots of hugs too. Eating right, getting enough sleep. Remembering that there is a lot of wonderful things around you. And that there are a number of people whom you do not know who have read what you write in this blog and consider you to be a talented and wonderful person who is making valid and valuable contributions to humanity. Be good to yourself and remember that we 'have your back'.

I tell my students that exams help me figure out what I have been teaching well and what I have been teaching poorly. Evaluation surveys play a similar role, they are not only for the department and dean, but also for me.

FWIW, evaluations can become an important resource for YOU which also means you need to modify your teaching approach based on the results. For example, I was very heavily dependent on powerpoint presentations, the students said they wanted more examples worked out on the blackboard, so I did that. Now I get equal amounts of hate and love for using the blackboard and ppt. I am however, boring. You try and make general chemistry exciting.

What I have found is that

a) There should be no time limit. Students should fill out surveys on line and with unlimited time.

b) You need to give credit for students to complete the survey, treat it as an assignment. They get the grade for completing the anonymous survey.

c) You have to ask additional questions that will help you improve your teaching. If you are trying something new, ask about how that worked.

d) The first question should require students to write out their general impression of the course and also for information about how your "experiments" worked out, not just check boxes.

e) The price for this is that you will get honest (relatively) evaluations (you marks will be slightly lower than they would be if the evaluation were done in class).

My favorite comment this year was "Well, I believe the course wasn't as boring as it could be."

YMMV and you may already be doing this.

great points, Eli! Thanks---this will give me something to think about the next time I'm constructing mid-term and final evaluations.

Christopher, I agree that you can't underestimate the healing power of hugs. :)

b*, I do the same thing as far as questioning my life choices in times of crisis. It's so counterproductive, but I think it's totally understandable that it happens---after all, we work in a career that pretty much takes over our entire lives ("it's a calling!" ugh), so it's so hard sometimes to separate the two.