So the last time we heard from our heroine, she was battling the evil germ invasion. But that was over a week ago. What's happened? Has our heroine successfully fought off the germs, brought balance and rest back to her life, and gotten back on track with work?
Well, not exactly. She's just gotten herself sicker.
I don't know what it is about this job. Even if you prioritize the hell out of everything, even if you cut out all of the non-essentials, even if you swear on your grandma's secret veggie noodle soup recipe that you will get to bed at a decent hour for the next week....well, all the swearing and prioritizing still may not get you to a point where your work level is sustainable. And that's where I found myself: still working at an unsustainable pace, still not taking enough care of myself because even doing the bare minimum to be competent at my job (and take care of my family---toddlers can't take care of themselves, and even if you have a truly enlightened spouse, there's still some amount of child care that you must do) meant that I didn't have the time to take care of myself. And that got me into a place where now I'm, frankly, too sick to do my job.
To say that I am frustrated is the monumental understatement of the year.
So I had a frank talk w/ my chair yesterday who, thankfully, ordered me to take the rest of the week off. I plan on spending a lot of time SLEEPING and taking care of myself. Priority #1 right now is getting better. Once I reach that stage, then I'll think about how I'm going to catch up and reprioritize...or if that's even possible. And I'll probably be thinking, hard, about the price that the pursuit of tenure is taking on my family and my physical and emotional health, and trying to figure out if it's worth it.
This is going to mean that this month's Scientiae is going to be late (but keep your submissions coming, please!). And that my presence around here is probably going to be spotty for a while. But that's ok---that's a worthwhile price to pay if it means I get my health back.
Thanks for your understanding, and your good wishes in response to my last post. I hope to be back with you soon.
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feel better soon! take care of yourself....
I can empathize, Jane. I've worked at small companies for most of my career, and when crunch time comes it can be really hard to get one's head out of the "omigod my career and my company both depend on me fixing this now so I can't afford to think about anything else" vortex and pay attention to things like family, food, rest, etc. I'm working from home myself today because of a cold/flu/whatever that I probably caught while visiting a customer last week, and that might not have gotten so bad if I hadn't been working long hours and sleeping short ones ever since I got back. Fortunately my wife used to be a software engineer too, so she kind of understands the ebb and flow of work demands - not just in terms of time physically present but also in terms of stress and distraction and the need to keep a dearly loved four-year-old elsewhere sometimes. I hate to think it would be like if she didn't have that experience.
If it makes you feel any better, "frank talk with my chair" really cracked me up. I know what you mean, it's probably common usage among your peers, but from where I sit (heh) it conjures up quite an image.
I hope you really take this time to get better, and that it pays off soon!
Even if you prioritize the hell out of everything, even if you cut out all of the non-essentials, even if you swear on your grandma's secret veggie noodle soup recipe that you will get to bed at a decent hour for the next week....well, all the swearing and prioritizing still may not get you to a point where your work level is sustainable.
I wish that I didn't agree 100% with you, but I'm afraid that you're right. I think this is endemic in academia, and I think women are most at risk of not being able to cope. Some of the men (but not all) seem to skate by with charm and immense ignoring and postponing capacities, but it seems that on average, women end up doing more.
And that's where I found myself: still working at an unsustainable pace, still not taking enough care of myself because even doing the bare minimum to be competent at my job (and take care of my family---toddlers can't take care of themselves, and even if you have a truly enlightened spouse, there's still some amount of child care that you must do) meant that I didn't have the time to take care of myself. And that got me into a place where now I'm, frankly, too sick to do my job.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I'm glad your chair sounds understanding. I found myself in a similar situation, and I ended up going part-time in order to be able to cope.
It's still a struggle but the burden isn't so heavy now.
Hi Jane,
I'm glad your chair was understanding but I'm sorry your job/life was so demanding to get you into this mess in the first place. I'm sure all of your readers can empathize on some level even if we don't know all the details. We'll be here when you get better - and don't worry, we won't pile on your workload while you're away.
C said what I was going to, and probably more concisely and clearly. Even down to the going part-time! Look after yourself and take the time you need to get well.
Sleep well and don't get up unless you have to.
I must admit that my first response was "good now I have time to write my Scientiae entry" - I've been too busy writing and grading exams to do more that think about Scientiae.
But I am very sorry that you are feeling rotten. When I was at a research university I never had enough time to do everything I should - there was always at least ten more things still to do. At the community college I am still overwhelmed but it is more about getting classes ready for the first time and how to improve them, rather than going crazy trying to fit everything in that I need to do TODAY.
Being a faculty member means being expected to do more things than there exists time for. Thus, a necessary skill in academia is choosing the things that you simply will not do, even though others might expect you to do them.
Oh my, I hope you are feeling better.
Sorry you reached the total breaking point this week. I wonder if something is in the air because a lot of people have been battling illness all over the place.