Are You Tired, Rundown, Listless? Do You Poop Out at Parties?

"Having a high sugar drink to boost energy can actually make people more sleepy, a study suggests."

This is a big surprise? I suppose there are some situations where ingesting a half-cup of sugar might give one a boost, such as before starting off on a leisurely jog down the streets of Pamplona during the encierro, but what about the average worker slumped over a cluttered desk on a Tuesday afternoon? Is the response to the proverbial "energy" drink the same?

Ten adults were studied to see what effect different drinks had on their wakefulness. They had all volunteered to restrict their sleep to five hours on the day before participating in the trial. An hour after eating a light lunch they were given either an energy drink containing 42g of sugar and 30 milligrams of caffeine, or an identically tasting zero-sugar drink. They then performed a monotonous 90-minute test during the afternoon "dip" to assess their sleepiness and ability to concentrate.

Hmm...does a "light lunch" include a "light" martini? I suppose that might bollix up the results. (Something tells me I know where this research report is going).

Fifty minutes after consuming the drinks, the performance of those who had had the energy drink started to slip, and they became significantly sleepier.

You don't suppose I've finally discovered the reason behind the "D" I received in American History II during my freshman year, do you? Oh, wait - they didn't have energy drinks back then - just soda pop, and we all know that is yummy-yum good for you!

Any conclusions to be made from this earth-shattering discovery? Professor Jim Horne of the Sleep Research Centre at the University of Loughborough weighs in:

"A 'sugar rush' is not very effective in combating sleepiness - so avoid soft drinks that contain lots of sugar but little or no caffeine. A much better way to combat sleepiness is to have a drink that contains more useful amounts of caffeine and combine this with a short nap."

Now we're getting somewhere! Why on earth anyone would plunk down good money for a six-pack of "energy" drinks when they could fire up the old coffeepot and slam down a few good mugs of java before heading out to conquer the challenges of the day?

Dr. Neil Stanley of the British Sleep Society has the final answer:

"We live in a tired society - which is why these drinks exist."

Exactly what century was that quote made in, anyway? Is he implying that our forefathers were peppy little guys who never once consider stopping off at Ye Olde Starbucks for a cappuccino? Oh wait, we're still talking about "energy" drinks, aren't we? Well, as far as I'm concerned these sugary soda substitutes are verboten in my refrigerator. I encourage the gentle reader to consume lots of H2O during the hot summer days and avoid drinks loaded with sugar or high fructose corn syrup.

Typing this post has exhausted me...I'm off to find something that will perk me up. Wish me luck.