The following was sent to us anonynmously. The message was first checked for viruses, worms, parasites and offers to help recover millions of dollars tied up in African red tape, then scrutinized and translated, tying up much valuable time needed in the maintenance of this web log. After much discussion we have decided to publish it in its entirety, if for no other reason than to serve as a warning to MBA students who are considering a career in consulting. All annotations are in italics.
NOTES FROM 12/2 MTG. WITH THE QUAESTUARY GROUP RE: PHYSICIAN NETWORK
Drs - Whipple, Galen, Willis, Addison, Chagas, Parkinson, S
[Apparently this was a presentation by a medical consulting firm to a group including the above mentioned physicians. The author is thought to be "S."]
1. Unless you're waiting for POTUS to arrive, start the meeting no more than five minutes late.
2. The bigger the meeting table, the lower the chance of success. If you want interaction then get people in each other's faces. Better yet remove the table and chairs and make 'em sit on the floor - works in kindergarten...
3. Food is a distraction, not to mention a source of halitosis and flatulence (not that there's anything wrong with these fine traits) [we suspect "S" was once accused by the P.C. police]. If you want to get to the point quickly keep 'em hungry...
4. Bring only the exact number of speakers needed to run the meeting; unless you need the help of a psychic or plan on reciting a choral poem, that number should be one. Multiple speakers make us feel like we're trapped inside of C-SPAN.
5. No matter what surprises occur during a presentation, do not stop for more than five seconds. This includes projector malfunctions, microphone death, audience member death, marriage proposals, sea gull attacks and unsuspected attacks of flatus (not that there's anything wrong with that) [Must have been convicted, too].
6. If you're going to make 'em go around the room and introduce themselves like a bunch of summer campers, at least write down the names and use them when calling on people - never fails to impress 'em.
7. Breakout sessions are for Sunday School classes, not evening meetings with tired, grumpy doctors.
8. Never say in 5000 words what you can say in three.
9. Learn to read facial expressions and body language like a master gypsy reading tea leaves - it will increase the odds of giving great meeting. [We aren't certain of the origin of this terminal phrase but it sounds suspiciously like biz-speak].
10. For Pete's sake, they all know you're headed straight to the airport after this, but can't you at least book the last flight out? No consultant wants to be remembered as the guy who jumped up and left the meeting before it ended. Another friendly reminder - stow your luggage somewhere distant, not in the conference room. You look like you're re-enacting a scene from a Jerry Lewis movie as you gather your worldly possessions.
RE-CAP NEXT WEEK AT SCHMENDRIK'S OFFICE - BRING PACKETS 2 & 3 FOR DISCUSSION
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Lucky you! Not only do you get the hardest job imaginable, you get to go to meetings too. Exactly which of the gods was it that you pissed off?
"it will increase the odds of giving great meeting. [We aren't certain of the origin of this terminal phrase but it sounds suspiciously like biz-speak]."
I believe there is a line or two in an older Woody Allen movie (perhaps Annie Hall?) very similar to this. A bunch of businessmen are standing around at a party, talking about a collegue, and one of them says, "He gives great meeting." The other men nod in approval.
This movie must be at least 25-30 years old.