Your Friday Dose of Woo: Serious woo from Down Under

I've said it once before, but this week's woo compels me to say it again: I happen to love gadgets.

I've been a bit of a technogeek since very early on in my life, with a lot of the things that go along with it, including a major interest in science fiction, awkwardness around the opposite sex, When at their best, gadgets can do things that need to be done and, if well designed, can do them with panache, making drudgery almost fun Then of course, there's the almost Dilbert-like joy males into technogeekery have in one-upping each other, almost like the surgeons I described yesterday one-upping each other as far as operative skill goes.

Unfortunately, I'm not the only one who likes gadgets. Woo-meisters love gadgets. They've produced some doozies, too. Well, doozies only in the claims made for them. Most of the time they're nothing more sophisticated than Hulda Clark's all purpose "Zapper," which, according to her, also has the salutory property of curing cancer, AIDS, and, in essence, all diseases. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending upon your point of view) some woo-meisters from Down Under have come up with an even better device than Hulda Clark's Zapper, although I'm not yet sure if it's better than the Quantum Xrroid Consciousness Interface, even though it also invokes a lot of quantum woo and, most amusingly, includes the tag line, "Harmonising Australia through Energy."

Behold! The SCIO:

Many people live with subtle imbalances due to the electro-physiologic nature of our bodies. At Quantum Energy Wellness, these subtle energies are balanced allowing the body to heal itself. Barriers to health are overcome with the help of this extraordinary SCIO biofeedback device.

Of course they are. I'm wondering, though. If these imbalances are so subtle, then how could they possibly cause disease, and why on earth do we need this SCIO device to rectify them? But, hey, that's just the nasty, negative skeptic in me asking. It's that nasty microfascism I admit to that demands some evidence. So, let's see what these Aussie woo-meisters have to say about their SCIO device:

SCIO stands for Scientific Consciousness Interface Operation system. Scio is derived from the Latin = I know.

The SCIO is a sophisticated and profound energetic medicine system, derived from the SCIO [Quantum Xrroid Consciousness Interface]. It incorporates electro-dermal screening, stress testing and biofeedback.

It is a computerized system that both tests and balances the body at the subtle energy level.

It integrates the sciences of mathematics, quantum physics, fractal dynamics, subspace theory, electronics, and computer programming. The therapies include the following modalities: naturopathy, homeopathy, acupuncture, chiropractic, energetic medicine, psychology, aromatherapy, reflexology, colour therapy, Neuro- Linguistic Programming, biofeedback and Rife Resonator. It also incorporates knowledge of metaphysical subjects to bring a unique synergistic perspective to natural healing.

Yes! Now, we're talking! That's some powerful woo! I mean, looka at it! It's a veritable cornucopia of woo, able to do anything! I particularly like the appeal to subspace theory and fractal dynamics, all with a touch of computer programming. Indeed, a better question to ask these woo-meisters is whether there's any sor of woo that the SCIO can't do. Well, apparently, there is one thing:

The SCIO is a sophisticated, biofeedback system, which is designed for stress detection and stress reduction. It does NOT diagnose any clinical diseases.

"Does NOT diagnose any clinical diseases?" Of course it doesn't. Bummer. Then what good is it? Well, fear not, woo lovers, it's apparently great for a lot of things:

The SCIO measures the unconscious of the patient, and provides an interface between the conscious and unconscious minds. The unconscious monitors the total complexity of current and past life experience. Since the conscious mind is aware of only a tiny fraction of this totality of exposure, it is therefore not a reliable source of information of life or disease.

The device gathers bio-energetic data from the body via fifty-five parameters simultaneously. This happens at biological speed, which is 1/100th second for each stimulus. This means that thousands of items can be screened for reaction from the body in a few minutes.

Imbalances at the energetic or subtle energy level can be an early warning system regarding health status. If imbalances go uncorrected, eventually physical symptoms will erupt, and health problems and disease develop. As well as being an early system of prevention, keeping the subtle energies balanced helps to restore physical energy.

"Biological speed"? What on earth does that mean? For one thing, compared to quantum phenomena and the time scales during which atomic phenomena occur, "biological speed," constrained as it is by the chemical reactions that make up life, is actually quite slow. But it sure does sound impressive, doesn't it? And scanning for thousands of items in a few minutes is not actually that impressive. Heck, a good modern CT scan does just as well or better. So does an MRI scan or a PET scan. Heck, if you look at a good MRI, it detects some very subtle "energy" indeed, detecting the change in energy that results from placing the hydrogen atoms in the water in your body in a very powerful magnetic field.

You know, describing it that way, I bet I could make something like an MRI sound like the finest woo. In fact, these woo-meisters manage to make a run at doing just that with other common medical devices:

There are a multitude of electrical forces at work in the human body with involve many different types of electrical energy. Western medicine has developed only a few of these machines:

An EEG (Electroencephalogram) records brain waves that create electrical energy when activated by nerves.

An EMG (Electromyography) measures the electrical conductivity of a muscle shortening when stimulated by the firing of nerve cells.

An EKG (Electrocardiogram) measure the electrical conductivity of the heart.

The SCIO measures the and balances the EPR (electro-physiological activity).

Over the last century, scientists from quantum biology, quantum physics, molecular biology, and medical physiology have been diligently researching in order to prove that the human body is regulated by a quantum energy field.

All cells, even subatomic particles contain tiny electrical energy, We now know that electrical activity is essential for all life.

All matter which exists in space is composed of atoms and in each atom, electrons spin around the nucleus throwing off electrons.

Each cell in our body operates (or resonates) at a very specific frequency, Our cells work together to keep our body's in harmony.

Stress produces erratic vibrations, that leads to disharmony, followed by injury and disease.

Similar to your unique DNA, your cell frequency is also very unique to you.

All living things emit a radio signal. Sound and color have specific frequencies as we can see changes in our moods, emotions and our physical body as varying frequencies push against us.

Viruses, bacteria, fungi, and parasites all have specific resonant frequencies. We actively interact with these frequencies all the time.

You know what's coming next, don't you? This is woo, of course, and you know what that means. Yes, indeed, an appeal to quantum mechanics, which is a sign of only the very finest (or very poorest, depending on the context) woo:

The human body is controlled by a Quantum Energy Field. Chinese and Ayurvedic medicine acknowledges the meridians and Chi which flows through our bodies.

Every though and action is accompanied by electrical activity in the nervous system and by biophoton communication among cells

Within our bodies, there are many chemical reactions and electrical stimuli. Every cell in our body has an electrical charge. We have amps and volts, static and magnetic energy in our energy fields and this can be measured along with the reactions of the body's unconscious to certain electrical stimuli.

At the the level of the atom, we know that electrons whirl about the nucleus in certain energetically defined orbits.

In order to move an electron from a lower to a higher orbit, a quantum of energy with very special frequency characteristics is required.

An electron will only accept energy of the appropriate frequency to move from one energy level to another - this is where the SCIO comes in.

Resonant Frequency is the required atomic frequency. Molecules have special resonant frequencies that will only be excited by energies of very precise vibratory characteristics.

Similar to how an opera can shatter a glass with his voice- he picks the exact resonant frequency of that glass and matches it with his voice.

Research from the International Institute of Biophysics is showing us that it is the body's QEF (not genes or germs) that determines whether we are healthy or ill.

Therefore, it is clear that the best way to work on stress, disease and aging is to correct the subtle disturbances in the body's QEF.

The body is an electromagnetic static being with frequency patterns that have resonance, reactance, and self-correcting capabilities. We can use these frequencies to facilitate in the body's natural being of homeostasis and health.

Of course they can. But I have to admit that I'm confused. Remember, they said that the SCIO is not going to diagnose or treat any disease, right? But didn't they just imply above that their device will work on "stress, disease, and aging" by "correcting the subtle imbalances in the body's QEF"? And in another part of the website, they imply that the SCIO can help with food sensitivities, nutritional deficiencies, toxicities and exposure to excess chemicals like heavy metals and mercury (of course!), and even trauma (physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual).

I'm confused. Which is it? Is the SCIO a wondrous healing device or isn't it? And if it isn't, then what good is it? Indeed, It seems to me that the claims below directly contradict the statement that the SCIO isn't going to diagnose or treat any disease:

The SCIO is an extraordinary device that can help balance the over-stressed body system. Through its TENS approach (Transcutaneous Electro Nerval Stimulation) it can tabulate your system's adrenal level, its ability to heal, the flow of energy through your system, levels of water and oxygen in your body, as well as your cellular health. It measures over 10,000 different parameters of your body system including spinal energy flow and toxicity. The SCIO can help correct underlying causes of allergies, food sensitivities, weight gain, digestive and bowel problems, stress, fatigue, insomnia, depression, arthritis, skin problems, headaches and migraines.

Best of all, it can not only read these imbalances, but it can help correct them because it works on 55 separate channels simultaneously, talking back and forth with your body, making corrections as it goes. All corrections are made through the skin -- nothing is internal. And it does this -- not through bio-chemistry, the way of traditional medicine - but through bio-physics! This is quantum mechanics -- once the physics of the body is balanced, the chemistry follows of its own accord.

The SCIO has an accuracy founded in 20 years of research in the field of biofeedback and energeticmedicine. The SCIO scans the body and assists in detailed assessment, helping to correct the body via homeopathic bio-resonance and auto frequencies. The treatments and tests are noninvasive and relaxing!

"Homeopathic bioresonance"? What the heck does that mean? After all, if the bioresonance is "homeopathic," doesn't that imply that it's been diluted to the point where it doesn't exist anymore? If that's the case, then it seems unlikely that any machine could detect or alter it. Now that I think of it, now would be a great time to queue up my usual homeopathy jokes, but there's so much other woo here that it would be redundant. Besides, I did my Ph.D. in a Department of Physiology and Biophysics. SCIO, I served with biophysicists I knew some biophysics; biophysics was an interest of mine. SCIO, you're no biophysics.

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

But the very best part of this woo, the part that elevates it (if you can call it that) above much of the other woo that I routinely come across, is the fact that you don't need to be anywhere near the woo-meister to take advantage of this fantastic technology:

Being able to scan and treat an individual from anywhere in the world is one of the most unfathomable ideas imaginable proposed by Dr. William Nelson. But time after time, it has been shown to work with great accuracy. When an individual is born, they have a very specific energy about them which makes them truly distinct in the quantum world. By having the person's full name, date of birth, and place of birth, distant therapy can begin. This amazing technology allows the SCIO to find an individual anywhere in the quantum world. Similar to dialing up a friend on a mobile phone, subspace allows you to dial into any individual at any time, with their permission.

How convenient.

But wait. The name Dr. William Nelson sounds very familiar. Very familiar indeed. Where have I heard this name before? Where?

Oh. Here.

Wow, this woo is really potent. Bill Nelson is the very same person responsible for the Quantum Xrroid Consciousness Interface.\

Holy guacamole! Truly Bill Nelson's woo-fu is strong indeed! He has been the inspiration for not one, but two amazingly potent woo machines. Indeed, if you believe the hype, not only is he the inspiration behind the SCIO, but he is the Master of Subspace. Nothing more really needs to be said about this. In fact, this woo sounds a lot like--well, a lot like astrology! After all, all that's needed is the person's full name and date and place of birth, and this woo is off and running!

And how much will this woo set you back? It's a bargain at $250 AUD. (That's a mere $206.63 American as of last night.) All that for two hours' worth of this healing! But (and this is something that I, as a diehard capitalist, truly love) these woo-meisters have discounts for bulk and corporate rates:

Individual Prepaid Package prices are available for 5 and 10 sessions. The cost for a book of 5 appointments is $1150 and a book of 10 appointments is $2100.

Corporate package programs are available for 20 visits or more. The cost for 20 visits is $4000 AUD. These appointments can be used by any employee currently employed in the same company.

Who says woo-meisters can't be capitalists? Certainly not me. But then I've never ceased to be amazed at the willingness of the credulous to provide woo-meisters like this with exactly what they want: Energy. That is, energy of a--shall we say?--green kind.