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Why I Love The Sports Guy

By stcynic on June 2, 2006.

Bill Simmons, the Sports Guy on ESPN.com, is the best sportswriter alive and here's a perfect example why. As a pop culture fiend, he's noticed, as I have, that David Hasslehoff is suddenly showing up in odd places. In Dodgeball, he shows up in a cameo, berating the German team after they lose to the Average Joes (while in S&M clothing, I might add). Then at the final of American Idol, after they announced that Taylor Hicks won, the camera pans the audience and stops on Hasslehoff as he wipes tears from his eyes. And then, on top of that, he shows up at a Dallas Mavericks playoff game because, like all Germans, Dirk Nowitzki just loves David Hasslehoff. And as usual, Simmons perfectly sums up what's going on:

Question No. 2: Speaking of Hasselhoff, did his interview with Craig Sager during Game 2 double as the Unintentional Comedy moment of the year?

Nahhhhh...But when you combine it with the shot of Hasselhoff crying in the stands after Taylor Hicks won "American Idol" ... yes, he's the Unintentional Comedy MVP of 2006. Although we still have seven months to go. My favorite part of the Hasselhoff renaissance -- the thought of his agent calling him to say, "You're not gonna believe this! You're Nowitzki's favorite singer! He whispers one of your songs to himself when he's shooting free throws! We gotta jump on this! I have you booked on a plane to Dallas; you're leaving in three hours! This could get us into the 'Surreal Life' house!")

Bloody brilliant. And undoubtedly accurate.

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Speaking of ESPN sports guys, somebody needs to tell Stephen A. Smith to shut the fuck up. I love the TNT basketball show with Earnie, Kenny, and Charles. It's very amusing. But these games on ESPN--like the current Det/Mia game--I have to fastforward through the discussion show because Smith won't stop screaming. I don't know who told him his hook should be 'deafening asshole', but it's awful.

I'd rather listen to the batshit crazy Bill Walton, than Stephen "The Colic" Smith.

Yeah, I totally agree with you about Stephen A. Smith. I love Charles - who doesn't? - Smith drives me nuts.

Stephen A. Smith being exactly equivalent to Hitler aside, though, these playoffs have been incredible.

There is method in Hasselhoff's madness. He's going to be one of the critics in the panel of Simon Cowell's new show "America's Got Talent" on NBC this month.

And if you want to see something really disturbing:

http://www.dailybubble.com/archives/hasselhoff.jpg

Ed, I found that sports writer you linked to about Pat Robertsen leg pressing 2,000 pounds to be quite hilarious. In that webpage, he's answering mail he's gotten from readers. Here's just one example of his humor.

Ben Hendricks brought the hardcore trash talk about my Noah column with this e-mail:

"And before you start making remarks about Noah being an ugly child, I suggest that you look in the mirror."

Ben, Ben, Ben ...

Hours and hours to think of something to write to me and you went with the mirror line? That was played out when William Shakespeare was still alive in England. Old Will himself would have slapped you in the face with his finest linen glove and ripped off the fluffy collar on your shirt if you said this to him.

And really, can someone who has an e-mail address that begins with "darthgator" be taken seriously on any subject? You might as well stamp, "I live in my mother's basement and race her on Sudoku puzzles on Saturday night" on your forehead. Granted, that would be a lot of words, but I'm sure you're bald, too, so it could just spiral around the top of your head as well.

While I do agree he has his flashes of brilliance, I still don't like Bill Simmons, especially when he's ragging against Steve Nash.

Oh, and I've heard a few of Hasselhoff's songs (though I am not german). He's not bad. :p