Linked in the comments of the latest Australian-bashing by that cold bastard in Minnesota, comes this piece by Douglas Adams Jeremy Lee on how dangerous Australia is. I want all you foreigners to read it in case you ever decide to move here and raise the rental princes. I've reformatted it below the fold.
I once met Adams, or rather I literally bumped into him at a science fair in Melbourne. Six months later he was dead. I swear I had nothing to do with that.
Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the Bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can't spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three.
Typically, it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep.
It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But even the spiders won't go near the sea.
Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.
Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes out to eat worms and grubs.
The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass Olympic weight lifters. At night, they often wander the roads. Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes a symmetrical launching pad, with results that can be imagined, but not adequately described.
The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behaviour. If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel the disturbance and think "Ho! My hole is collapsing!" at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply bear down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered the third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don't talk about it much.
At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical' Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and lot of them died. The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in, and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories. Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.
About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick. Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holiday and became Australians.
The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories.
Be warned. There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless they are an American.
Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country") and "Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth." The irritating thing about this is they may be right.
There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield. The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is "Best {insert your own regional swear word here} country in the world!".
It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub.", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook.
Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.
Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.
Typical Australian sayings:
- "G'Day!"
- "It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.""She'll be right."
- "And down from Kosciusko, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn and rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear as crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky.
And where, around the Overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a household word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride."Tips to Surviving Australia:
- Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever. We mean it.
- The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
- Always carry a stick.
- Air-conditioning.
- Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and good in a fist fight.
- Thick socks.
- Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.
- If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.
- Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
See Also: "Deserts: How to die in them", "The Stick: Second most useful thing ever" and "Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals, trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia, volumes 1-42"
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Rumour has it that Australia is the inspiration for Harry Harrison's Deathworld series...
Haven't been yet but I already knew the inhabitants were crazy. I've tasted vegemite.
You have rental princes?
By the day? By the week? How's that work?
True true... but the accents are just so hot you ignore their flaws :)
How about Tasmania. Are there the same warnings down there. If I were to ever move to Australia I would want to be as south as possible.
Oh Tasmania is much worse. It has Tasmanians in it.
"there are curiously few snakes"
Hmmm, I thought that Australia had the top ten most venomous snakes as well as the spiders, including the aggressive taipan and the shy fierce snake. Even the platypus is supposed to have one of the most excruciatingly painful venoms known (but why?). And there are some cute little cephalopod buggers you don't want to mess with either. But I'm sure the beer makes up for it all.
No it doesn't, the Europeans killed them all off!
Hehe I didn't know Adams wrote something about australia. Pratchett however has a whole book (the lost continent).
@9: The Last Continent...
Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.
Well, only because most people who ask directions don't speak kangaroo or wombat very well.
Excellent essay and advice. All that venom keeps the numbers down.
This story is also accredited to Jeremy Lee, btw
Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three.
Aw, c'mon: since it includes Tasmania and a few lesser islets, the proper term is The Australian Archipelago.
"curiously few snakes"? My experiences in Australia (field trips from Kangaroo Island in the south on land up to Darwin in the north, Adelaide and Cairns areas, and Kakadu Park are the opposite. Indeed, the Fogg Dam Nature Reserve in the Northern Territory near Darwin may have the largest snake opulations (of many species) of any place!
The Fierce Snake is a taipan. Also, there aren't really any aggressive snakes (unless the snake is big enough and you're small enough that the snake thinks that you might be a meal (i.e. pretty much never if you're a person)) only defensive snakes.
Oh, and the advice about the beer applies to Canada as well (although really, the Belgians obviously have the best beer but they don't need anyone to tell them that).
The worst thing about Tasmania is that you might get adopted by a tasmanian devil. Kid you not. Apparently they got word from cats and dogs about what wonderful providers and cuddlers humans are, and being perpetually hungry and emotionally insecure the tazzies all decided to all get domesticated. The tasmanian tiger is said to have gotten so embarrassed by this the species went and suicided.
Maybe the 'few snakes' thing is sample bias. The people who have seen snakes in Australia are all dead.
He's right about one thing though. Of all the Australians I've met (some get flown in from time to time for training) not a single one had a stick up the ass.
And always in for a joke. Like when four of them decided to get out of their car because the cab behind us was being a pest trying to get us to move faster. Never seen a cabbie back up that fast (might have something to do with the fact that all of them participated in rugby, Australian form).
At least Tassie doesn't have any poisonous spiders, and it's only got 3 species of snake.
The only problem is the spiders and snakes are reversed. Of the top 23(*) poisonous snakes most, actually nearly all, are Australian. The disemboweling Roo's are par for the course. Getting back to roo's..... Most of the remaining large predators are optimised for 2 legged prey so they pattern match humans as lunch (Hint to foreigners I might like, when it says "no swimming" DON'T BLOODY SWIM).
All three poisonous cephalopods (striped pajama squid, blue-ringed octopuses and Pfeffer's Flamboyant Cuttlefish) are found in Australian waters - might be due to run-off I guess.
The inland taipan, fierce snake, and small scaled snake are all badly named (and the same snake). It isn't that closely related to the taipan, it isn't terribly fierce, it is quite large. However it is the most poisonous snake in the world - it has to deal with Australian native rats to eat which may have something to do with it.
On the other hand we don't have any great cats (been killed off - see thylacoleo) or bears, which considering the effect the living here has I am truly thankful for.
(*) 23 so they could include the Eastern Diamondback Rattlesnake, the only one from the America's on the list.
When Nortamericanos complain about our wildlife, I mention the fact that I can walk through the bush and nothing tries to rend me limb from limb, charge me with antlers or horns, or otherwise do gross physical injury to me. I might get bit by this or that if I am careless. But that is mostly in my control (my daughter, though, did get bitten by a redback spider recently). When I went to Athabasca in Canadia (come on, it should be called Canadia), I asked my hosts why we travelled around with two large huskies. The answer was that the dogs would distract any black bears while we got away. I thought they were joking until I saw a black bear move through the garden of their house from a thankfully elevated porch.
But those wombats, they are dangerous. I nearly got savaged by one once. I'm still embarrassed.
It is by Jeremy Lee. Douglas Adams has explicitly denied having written it, evn though he wished he had written it.
You'd already know all of that if you had read the Pharyngula thread.
Which, of course, wasn't a cat. It was closely related to the koalas and wombats. In other words, it was the drop-bear.
Even some Australians believe the drop-bear was invented to scare tourists. Fools!
When I went to Athabasca in Canadia (come on, it should be called Canadia)
No, no it shouldn't. The proposed "Hochelaga," "Tuponia," and "Efisga" were bad enough, thank you. Fortunately, Thomas D'Arcy McGee had a little common sense, sometimes, as long as you weren't talking about Ireland.
I asked my hosts why we travelled around with two large huskies. The answer was that the dogs would distract any black bears while we got away.
Well, you know, if you stay in the civilised areas (instead of the great back of beyond) all you have to worry about is maybe hitting a deer with your car (in which case you can make your hosts a fine gift of fresh venison), or possibly freezing your tuchis off. That beats a zillion poisonous animals all hollow. (At least you can stay indoors where there aren't any deer, few bugs, and there is lots of heat.)
You know, every once in a while I am contacted by some Australian skeptical group or whatever, and they inquire about whether I'd like to visit...it always seems to founder on the expense, unfortunately. Maybe what I need to do is smuggle some hints in to a few Christian groups — "Send PZ Myers to Australia!" — and look forward to seeing a first-class plane ticket expedited my way.
"and look forward to seeing a first-class plane ticket expedited my way."
It would only be one-way though. You'd have to pay the return fare yourself.
Kids, that piece was being sarcastic about the beer. It isn't even all that strong. Unless you measure the aldehyde and preservative concentrations (and they serve it in tiny glasses to boot). John is from Victoria and probably drinks VB, which explains a lot.
Nobody ever seems to mention death adders when they talk about Australian snakes... maybe that's where the sampling bias comes in.
Re: #25
Wow. Even poisonous cephalopods aren't enough temptation?
Beer, lamb, wine, and skiing. In July, no less. What's not to love?
Despite knowing of the existence of wombats, I knew precious little else about them. After reading Adams' description, I headed over Wikipedia to read up more on them. Apparently the "crush intruders against the burrow" behaviour is true, but directly following the bit about that is the following sentence:
"When this defense fails they often use their wings to fly to the nearest tree to get out of reach of the attacker."
Please, for the sake of my sanity, tell me this is a joke that has yet to be caught by Wiki editors.
Seriously? The drop bears would get them if they tried to land in a tree. Very territorial, drop bears.
I think the 'few snakes' jibe was actually sarcasm. This was obviously written with people in the know (ie. mostly Australians) in mind.
Eh? We ain't Canadians (and Canadia is the correct name for that nation). In Australian it's "Ay". Other than that, a decent representation of our Great South Land.
But I though mentioning Drop Bears was only allowed once the foreigners had arrived in Oz.
also the most dangerous bird?
cassowary - some fatal eviscerations?
Also in September asdolescant male magpie attacks
cause scalp lacerations, some eye loss
Don't sell the Eastern Diamondback short. What its vemom lacks in potency it makes up for in quantity and fang length. Steve Irwin grabbed cobras, but he wouldn't touch the diamondback.
"Oh Tasmania is much worse. It has Tasmanians in it."
Each Australian state has colorful nicknames for the inhabitants of other states ranging from the relatively harmless "banana-bender" (Queenslander) through "crow-eater" (South Australian) to "Cockroach" (New South Wales).
The exception is Tasmania, because after 200+ years of effort, Australians can't think of any insult worse than "Tasmanian".
'
"When Nortamericanos complain about our wildlife, I mention the fact that I can walk through the bush and nothing tries to rend me limb from limb, charge me with antlers or horns, or otherwise do gross physical injury to me."
Well except for the feral pigs.
And some of the people.
I love Australia apart from the part were i live in the bush and always get bitten by spiders, Bull ants, centipedes, and get terrified by 10m long snakes