Your Friday Dose of Woo: Can somebody get me some frickin' laser beams with my Reiki?

Every so often, real life intrudes on blogging, preventing the creation of fresh Insolence, at least Insolence of the quality that you've come to expect. This is one of those times. I happen to be sitting here in Palm Beach, Florida, but I'm not chilling at the beach or pool. Rather, I'm attending "leadership training." Yes, be very, very afraid! In any case, I never saw the point of having these sorts of training seminars at beautiful oceanfront locations if they're going to pack the entire day with, you know, actual training! Worse (for purposes of blogging), I really have to fine tune my talk for Monday. Well, more like a major overhaul. So enjoy this bit of Classic Insolence from three years ago. Remember, if you've been reading less than three years, this will be new to you, and, even if you have been reading more than three years, it's fun to see how posts like this have aged.

Regular readers of this blog are probably aware of my general opinion about Reiki and other "energy healing" modalities. In short, they're woo, pure and simple. Consequently, one might reasonably ask why I've never featured the woo that is Reiki in Your Friday Dose of Woo. There's a simple reason for that.

Basic Reiki is boring.

Really, I mean it. In and of itself, it just doesn't reach the level of sheer ecstatic nuttiness that I like to feature every week. Oh, sure, there's lots of handwaving about "channeling the universal energy" through the healer to augment the life force of the person being healed. Certainly there's lots of serious woo about being able to heal people at a distance or through laying on of hands. (And you thought Jesus was main guy known for this.) But, in its basic form, Reiki lacks something to put it truly over the top. I wasn't sure what it was, but I found out.

It's missing laser beams. No, really. We're talking about Laser Reiki, which provides this promise:

If you loved the movie The Matrix, then you will love healing your life and changing your reality with Laser Reiki.

Now we're talking! Personally, I did like The Matrix. I even liked The Matrix Reloaded. The Matrix Revolutions kind of sucked, though. Is Laser Reiki like The Matrix, or is it like The Matrix Revolutions? You be the judge!

Of course, the question that I have is: Where did this fabulous woo come from? How was it discovered? Who thought of combining lasers and Reiki? Follow me, Grasshopper, on a journey of discovery:

Now, Reiki Masters, Taylore Vance and Roi Halse both of Chehalis, Washington have introduced new healing concepts that take Reiki a quantum leap into the future.

"In 1994 we discovered additional levels of Reiki healing beyond Masters." Taylore explains, "I call Level 4 -- Laser Reiki (LR) and Level 5 -- Cosmic Energetic Healing (CEH). They are light years ahead of basic Reiki." LR & CEH as defined and taught by Roi and Taylore heals at the atomic, sub-atomic, quantum and original creation level. Its impact can in many cases cause the body to instantly heal itself, and the mind and spirit as well.

In the traditional 3 levels of Reiki you are flowing the god force energy as it flows from the 4th dimension to heal the physical. In other words, you are flowing energy to mass. It works, but it may take several weeks or more to permanently bring wellness to an individual.

Perhaps I should have treated Reiki before. After all, if Lionel Milgrom can graft a misbegotten distortion of quantum theory onto homeopathy to create a Frankenstein monster of woo, then why couldn't the someone else fart something similar out and graft it onto Reiki? And, of course, why should Reiki limit itself to a paltry four dimensions? In the world of woo, that's pathetic. Heck, even the DNA activation guy claims twelve dimensions! Given that Reiki is perhaps the most popular energy woo out there, that's pathetic. Fortunately, Vance and Halse are there to crank up the dimensionality of Reiki to a more respectably woo-ful level:

With the use of Laser Reiki and Cosmic Energetic Healing the energy flows directly from the 6th or higher dimensions directly into the patient's energy body where it first aligns the energy body with a hologram of perfection. Next, the healing flows naturally into the physical body. In other words, the transfer of healing flows from energy to energy. This is hundreds of times more efficient. Instant healings can and do happen! (Many times, but not every time because there are other factors involved.)

"But not every time"? One can't help but marvel at the built in excuse. Of course, believe it or not, it's all about the...science:

Science seems to have proven that we are even born with tendencies for disease and problems. These show up imprinted within the cells in three ways: 1) energy blockages from unresolved problems from the past, 2) genetic tendencies from our biological lineage, and 3) those astrological tendencies caused by the birth/conception date. These are very similar to abandoned software still operating behind the scenes in a computer. Each disruptive program causes little disturbances in the overall well being of an individual.

A clearer indication of the mindset behind this woo would be hard to find. Consider: "energy blockages" and "astrological tendencies" are treated as equivalent to genetic tendencies from our biological lineage. Science, superstition, woo, to them it's all the same. They take this risible connection even further in another section of their website, where a Dr. Gutierrez, who is represented as a research physicist and engineer. He assures us that all of this Laser Reiki and Cosmic Energetic Healing are really and truly science:

Our small scientific group, UTC Research Group (UTCRG), has found that latest research in brain neurophysiology, cognitive sciences, information theory, quantum physics, Theory of Relativity and astrophysics can explain many of these "bizarre" symptoms/conditions, for now it is known that CONSCIOUSNESS is not the product of the highly organized/complex brain; but that the brain is a mere transducer/computer of Consciousness, Thought & Subtle Energies that are extrinsic to the Mind-Body Complex, the result of which is EMOTIONS, FEELINGS & ATTITUDES. And, it is these last byproducts of the human psyche -- the ones responsible for triggering psychosomatic conditions in the physical body, organically, psychologically or sensorially. Modern eminent medical authorities in the Quantum Healing Paradigm, such as Dr. Deepak Chopra, Dr. Caroline Myss, Dr. Norman Shealy, Dr. Richard Gerbee, Dr. Bernie Segal, and others, have written extensively on the relationships of Mind, Spirit, Body & Health.

Egads! it sounds like an unholy fusion of Deepak Chopra and Michael Egnor! Of course, when you see a paragraph like the above, you know that there's only one way the woo must be going. Yes, it's going quantum:

Notice the above definition regards the human body, not as a Newtonian-Cartesian machine, but as Quantum-Relativistic Consciousness/Vital Energy Transducer, a Wholistic Entity, in which ENERGY (Vital-Cosmic) in-forms/governs the BODY (Matter), not vice-versa. This is precisely the Quantum Mechanics view of Consciousness, Energy & Matter -- hence the New Quantum Healing Paradigm proposed by Prof. David Bohm (Implicate Order Physics), Prof. Karl Pribram (Holographic Brain/Body) & Dr. Deepak Chopra (Healing is a Quantum Process).

Since Prof. David Bohm's Quantum Physics postulation included Super Quantum Potential and an Implicate Order in the Universal Chaos, it needed non-local space-time relativistic interactions. Being a "protTgT" of Einstein while at Princeton, he was highly influenced by Einstein's Relativity Theory, and later formulated his famous Hidden Variables Theory, which in simple terms means that not all forces/energies may be "measurable/detected", yet they still affect matter. In other words, Subtle Energies do indeed exist! But can't always be measured or detected, and that is the premise that LASER REIKI - COSMIC ENERGETIC HEALING uses in dealing with subtle energies that are beyond the conventional concepts of CHI/PRANA, yet, being more rarefied and subtle, they approach, our concepts of SPIRIT/SOUL and the "dreaded" G-word: "GOD"!

In simple terms, all the above means that LASER REIKI û COSMIC ENERGETIC HEALING takes into account in their healing modalities the various energetic factors that do not follow LINEAR TIME FLOWS, but Quantum-Relativistic non-linear "jumps" in space-time. This could be simultaneous/parallel realities (lives), or factors from previous incarnations(reverse time flow) or potential situations/conditions created in the future(by Consciousness/Attitudes/Emotions)that may be influencing the NOW!

Sounds bizarre or crazy? Why, this is standard stuff with Quantum-Relativistic Physicists! What was considered "science-fiction" 30 years ago has become "standard" scientific fact today in the strange, but wonderful world of the Quantum-Relativistic View of Nature! Isn't physics great!

Yes, physics is indeed wonderful. What's not so wonderful is to see physics abused in such a manner. In fact, it's ugly indeed to see so many seemingly legitimate-sounding terms from physics mixed with the most potent woo in a witches' brew. Most amusing to me is the part where the existence of "subtle energy" is postulated; yet it is also said with a straight face that this energy "can't always be measured or detected." Even funnier is that these undetectable "subtle energies" are at the heart of Laser Reiki. Does this mean that the effects of Laser Reiki can't be detected either? If that's the case, then what good is it?

Before I can finish my "loving treatment" of this most wondrous woo that I have discovered, one question remains. Indeed, it is a question that nagged at me as soon as I saw the website and started reading its amazing contents. It's a critical question that goes right to the very heart of Laser Reiki in an absolutely undeniable way. In fact, it's the same question Doctor Evil asked of his henchmen in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery: Where are the laser beams? Just as Doctor Evil wanted laser beams attached to the heads of his sharks, I want frickin' laser beams attached to my Reiki in Laser Reiki! Otherwise, again, what good is it?

So where are the laser beams? Just like Dr. Evil, sadly I'm to be seriously disappointed:

Anyway, some folks wondered why the term "Laser Reiki" was used. Well, when consciousness is focused and willfully directed by a powerful pulse of breath, as in Oriental martial Arts, It delivers a powerful burst of energy -- laser-like indeed! In fact, the specialized type of breath used in LASER REIKI - COSMIC ENERGETIC HEALING together with a precise hand motion is reminiscent of Oriental Martial Arts/Japanese-style Katas (Formal Exercises), or more precisely, the Cobra Breathing of Tantrik Yoga's Fire Breath (Kapalabhati)with hand Mudra/Gesture. It delivers a very powerful burst of concentrated CHI/PRANA, with the intensity of a Laser Beam, hence the name -- Laser Reiki.

Whaaaat? No lasers? You mean the use of the term "Laser Reiki" is nothing more than a metaphor? I mean, I had one simple request, and that is to have Reiki with frickin' laser beams attached to it! Now evidently my woo-meister colleague informs me that that cannot be done, that the term "Laser Reiki" is nothing but a metaphor! Would Dr. Gutierrez remind me what I would be paying Taylore Vance and Roi Halse for, honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have?

Laser Reiki without real lasers?

That's like having to settle for mutated sea bass instead of real sharks.