In the spirit of the newly clarified regulations governing the Academic Competitiveness Grant and National Science and Mathematics Access to Retain Talent (SMART) Grant Programs administered by the Department of Education, I am pleased to announce the Uncertain Principles Physics Scholarship Program. Under this program, I pledge to personally pay the full tuition for any student who is:
- From a low-income family, or a historically disadvantaged group,
- Enrolled as a full-time student at an accredited four-year college or university, and
- Taking courses toward a degree in physics or related disciplines.
These scholarships are available provided that:
- The student has declared a major in physics or related disciplines,
- The student is spending at least six hours a night doing homework for major classes, and
- The college or university is on the Moon.
Applications for these grants can be left in the comments to this blog post. Failure to meet any of these requirements at any point during the scholarship period will result in forfeiture of the full amount of the scholarship.
Good luck to all potential applicants.
Note for the utterly oblivious: This is a work of satire, and not a serious offer. I realize it can be hard to tell the difference.
If you've read this far, perhaps you might consider donating to my DonorsChoose challenge to help public school teachers and students? I can promise that they have fewer restrictions than the government aid to those students...
I think the second #3 there is the kicker.
A cynic might be tempted to conclude that the dear folks in the Education Department don't want lower-income students to actually obtain any federal funds to finance their education. Or, at least not any more funds than they absolutely have to dole out. After all, we wouldn't want to encourage those poor slobs in thinking that they have a real shot at completing their education and moving up in the social class ladder...
Six hours per lunar night? I might be able to fit that into my schedule....